On Saturday night (January 18th) Global National Television ran a ten minute segment based on my book, What Are You Doing Here on their program 16 x 9. I haven't even watched it yet - I got through about 2 minutes this morning watching it with a friend and I asked him to turn it off. I started to cry.
But no, really, it is supposed to be good. Got a lot of good feedback so far.
One of the 'issues' that was raised in this segment was not even about black women in heavy metal. It was about me, my adoption, and the identity issues that help lead me to become involved in the metal scene. It was extremely hard to write about this in the book, to speak about it on camera, and to deal with the reaction from my family.
Talking / writing about trans-racial adoption isn't easy. In 2013, one of the main issues that caused the year to be a shitshow was having to publicly acknowledge my struggles with my upbringing....hell, I brought it up in my book but for some reason, didn't realize that it would be repeatedly brought up in interviews, reviews, etc. So I dished it out but realized I didn't know how to take the residual effects.
A lot of it has to do, I realize now, with not only being given up at birth, but finding out, at 19 ( the legal age when I could access my adoption records) that my biological mother did not want contact with me at all. The feelings of not belonging, of feeling unwanted and unloved has led to times of estrangement from my family; getting into relationships in which I look for love in unhealthy ways and from people who are unable or unwilling to reciptrocate, and a lot of mistrust on my part. I didn't realize until recently how my identity issues had permeated other aspects of my life, most notably, the relationship I have with myself.
So....despite not seeing the segment, I'm not a damn fool. I want others to get to know the incredible talent of my good friend Militia Vox, a singer who is prominently featured in the segment; and to know more about the issues that other black women fans, musicians and industry workers have to go through to participate in the music culture in which they are so passionate about.
A huge H/T goes out to Brendan, Elias and Mark from Global TV who made this happen, my brother Chris who allowed the crew to film at his home, and most importantly my parents, whom despite havins some legitimate reservations, agreed to the same. Love you all. Sorry for being such an asshole sometimes!